2012 has been an interesting year for me that has been full of both weird and wonderful memories… Here are just a few.

January followed tradition by being welcomed in at my house. It saw many good things such as winning an award at presentation evening, having a great night out in Leicester for Al’s 19th and going to see Cinderella in Birmingham. I did new things such that I had always wanted to do such as go ice skating for the first time, spend the day at the Trafford Center in Manchester and get my parents to agree to let me have a puppy who I would get the next month. I also joined CMTS. However, January also brought tragedy when baby Liam was stillborn on 10.01.12. He is missed daily.

February was all college work and no play, but I landed myself the role as Alice in a show entitled In The Shadow Of Alice. It brought me challenges and made me face my fears of being lifted. The only play time during this month was taking Dad to see Stomp in Birmingham. It also saw the welcoming of a new family member when our five week old puppy, Cookie, was allowed to move in. I also lost my job as a Children’s Activity Assistant this month after a year of work due to writing on Twitter that I had not been paid.

March began with a trip to Wolverhampton with Sandra to see Avenue Q. This was the last event before the McFly tour took over which saw me seeing them in Manchester, Oxford and Birmingham this month. The month was finished off with a day out in London to see the best show I’ve ever seen - Ghost The Musical.

April saw the continuation of the McFly tour in Reading, Leicester and Birmingham where I was barrier. This became the most I had ever seen McFly on tour, reaching a total of six dates. I also attended a sing-along Abba night in Birmingham.

May got off to a bad start when I failed my first driving test. The following day, I went on a college trip to London to see Wicked for the second time. I landed the role of Curly in the YOG show of Peter Pan which ran at The Belgrade Theatre. This was my first role in a YOG production and was followed by a crazy after show party where I spent most of it cleaning up sick! A week later, I quit college due to various reasons. This month also saw my first ever Hen Party where I went to Leamington for Alana’s.

June began with a very cold, wet and horrible camping trip which made me decide that I never wanted to go camping again! This was followed by a great night out with my ex work colleagues and my second driving test, which I thankfully passed! I took part in my first CMTS production at The Belgrade Theatre which was Guys & Dolls and came accompanied with some great nights out such as a curry night and a night at a cast members house. The month was finished off by flying to Lanzarote for my first holiday abroad in four years.

July was welcomed in whilst I was in Lanzarote which was the best holiday of my life until things took a horrible turn. I ended up in hospital very weak and convinced that I was dying. However, I was fine and the hospital experience made me face my fears of blood tests and drips, as I had severe amounts of both. I also reached my lowest weight, making me 4 stone below my highest weight. The rest of the month was taken easy with only my cousins 21st birthday party, Karley’s 19th birthday meal at Taybarns and a meet and greet with McFly in Birmingham which was disappointing as I didn’t get to meet Danny. I also got back with an ex who I left a few days later after remembering why he was an ex.

August was the busiest month of the year which started off with a day in Hyde Park with James where we were barrier for McFly. This was followed by Luke’s 19th which was celebrated by going to Nandos and then to town. My Mom’s 50th birthday lasted a number of days as we went to The Appleby for lunch, had a house party, and got a limo to Birmingham to see Dirty Dancing. This was followed by signing on the dole and a whole string of unsuccessful job interviews. I also did a Learn Direct course in computing to pass the time. Andre and Alana’s wedding took place in Southam, I went bowling with the ex work colleagues, Susan’s 50th took place in the form of a garden party, and both Sam’s 20th and Tom’s 19th were celebrated on the town.

September got off to a fantastic start when I was offered three jobs - as a Receptionist, an Arts & Crafts Leader and a Musical Theatre Leader - I took all three! I went to Birmingham to see Mrs Browns Boys Live and I got to spend some nights on my own for the first time when my parents went to Poole without me. I went to join them a few days later. I also got a new boyfriend and left CMTS after just one show.

October began with seeing Les Miserables in London which was amazing! I was supposed to go to McFly’s video shoot but we didn’t make it which was devastating. I worked and rehearsed a lot this month. We celebrated Ken’s birthday with a meal out at The Cocked Hat. I had my hair cut for the first time in as long as I can remember and I had my first bump in the car on the same day when I misjudged a corner in a car park and ploughed into a barrier, ripping the front of my car off. I saw Conor Maynard live in Leicester and graduated on the same day, where my certificate was handed to me by Rugby player, Lewis Moody. After just six weeks, I split up with my boyfriend. I met McFly in Milton Keynes for the 16th time where Danny remembered me.

November began with the loss of my Arts & Crafts job. I attended an audition in Birmingham to work in a holiday park and received a phone call a week later saying that I got the job, meaning I’ll be moving to Newquay in February. I got myself a solo in the YOG concert which was held at The Bridgehouse Theatre in Warwick. This was my last YOG show and the after show party was great. The morning after, Katie and I went to London where we watched The Lion King and went to the Ice Bar. We stayed there for a few days and the following day, we went to see Loserville which was amazing. On our final day, we went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park before returning home to celebrate my 20th birthday with a family meal out at The Elms. A few days later, I went to Nandos and town with my friends to finish off the birthday celebrations.

December began with starting a new job as an Arts & Crafts Leader at a different primary school. This was followed by being given tickets to The McFly Show, spending a weeks wages travelling to London to see it only to be refused entry because the tickets were not in my name! I went to Cov Uni to see Savannah in her show. My jobs as an Arts & Crafts Leader and Musical Theatre leader ended, as i cannot renew my contract due to moving away. Hazel & Graham flew over from Lanzarote but we barely got to see them due to being poorly. Christmas was spent at home with the family, although Dad was ill. This was followed by a great night of bowling with James, and a fantastic meal and night at the casino for Savannah’s birthday.

Thank you to everyone who made 2012 awesome.

So yesterday, I travelled to London to see The McFly Show. Getting there, I spent 2 hours 20 minutes on trains and tubes, not including the walking time.

We got to the ITV Studios around 4:30 where we got in the queue. At around 4:50, people started coming round to check tickets and give out wristbands. It got to us and we were refused entry because the name on the ticket was not mine. I told the man that she had booked tickets for me because I was at work. He said it didn’t matter, they weren’t valid because they weren’t in my name despite having two priority tickets and ID to prove that we were both over 18. He used the excuse that priority was very limited and was only valid for the name on the ticket. I tried to compromise by asking if we could use them as normal tickets instead of priority but he quite bluntly said no without an apology.

Over hearing what was going on, after walking away feeling very angry, we were approached by a woman and two girls who asked what had happened. We explained the story and they told us how they’d booked six tickets but only three of them were there, so they had three spare that they were willing to give us if we didn’t mind sitting with them. We snapped up the offer! We went back to the man with this group and they explained how they wanted to give us their spare tickets. He said no. We asked for a reason why and he wouldn’t give us one. The other group complained saying they were their tickets so they could give them to whoever they wanted, but he still said no despite having no valid reason why we could not have those tickets.

I asked what we were supposed to do. He told us to come back at 6:30 and he’d see if there was any spare seats. We thought we would have a chance to get in. Obviously there was going to be spare seats because there was five mentioned above!

We waited there for another hour and a half in bitter cold conditions. By 6:30, we asked again and they told us they were working on getting us in. Then other people started turning up and being given red wristbands. We asked what they were for and the man explained that they were standby tickets. That was when we were told that people with red wristbands would be prioritised over us which is unfair when we had actual tickets and when it was supposed to be first come, first serve basis.

By 7:15, all of the ticket holders (except us) were in. We were frozen outside after being stood there for nearly three hours. A different man dealt with us who wasn’t quite so rude and obnoxious. He took my details and said he would send me priority tickets for something else. I asked how he expected me to travel back down to London after spending a whole weeks wages for today, only to be refused. He said sorry and I said how can you say sorry when it’s obvious that you’re not.

We then had a four hour wait for our train home. However, due to my injured knee (which I’d like to point out was bandaged up and I was still made to stand in the freezing cold for three hours), we bought an earlier train ticket home, adding even more to the cost of the day. This train then got delayed which just finished my day off nicely.

All in all, I spent over a weeks wages to travel to London, become freezing cold, make my injured knee worse, catch a cold and return home feeling total shit. Thanks for nothing but speaking to me like I was shit on your shoe and taking away my last chance to see my idols away from me, SRO Audiences.

So I had a fantastic weekend but being back to reality is the worst thing in the world.

I had college on Friday which was crap because nobody was in as always, but this was followed by getting a train to Birmingham and going to see McFly. It started off badly as our unreserved seats left us standing and I couldn’t see a thing but security made everyone sit down and it ended up being fantastic. 51st McFly gig and I didn’t cry, but I was full of so much pride for my boys. Then I got a lift home off a friend and my best friend stayed over.

Saturday morning, I got up early and got the train to London with my parents. We spent the day mooching and had lunch in a lovely little bistro before going to see Ghost The Musical. The special effects were absolutely incredible and it is the best - and most emotional - show I’ve ever seen in my life.

Sunday I had a six hour rehearsal and today I was back at college but only four of us were in which is disgusting when this was our last rehearsal before our show on Wednesday.

I have so much that I need to say but can’t. 

So today has been crap. My friend cancelled our plans so I ended up doing nothing except sunbathing and whacking some stuff on eBay.

I’m honestly not sure how much more boring my life can get. Bring on the weekend when I actually have plans that can’t fail me. 

Right, I never got round to blogging yesterday due to emotions last night which is a massive shame because I had such a fantastic day.

I went to college in the morning with a positive attitude for once. It ended up being a waste of time because only four of us out of nine were in so we couldn’t do what we needed to do which was run the show that is being put on next week! All the work we managed to do was the lighting plan but at least that is going to make it easier for the tech guys. However, it was a fun morning as the other three people who were in are the only three people I really get on with at college so we messed around and had a good laugh.

Following this, I had a driving lesson which went relatively well but I almost got hit by a lorry. It wasn’t even my fault! Luckily, it was at the end of my lesson because I’m terrified of lorries as it is and now that phobia has grown a lot more. We were at traffic lights - I was in the left hand lane and the lorry was in the middle lane. An ambulance was coming down my lane so I started moving forward slowly, to go round the corner (left turn) and get out of its way. I think the lorry must not have seen my car because it moved over so quick into my lane that I had to swerve onto the pavement to stop it hitting me! It resulted in me having a panic attack so I’m very glad it was at the end of my lesson.

I didn’t do much in the afternoon except type up the lighting and stage plans, and also play with the puppy. I had some food, had a little nap and then got ready for rehearsals.

Rehearsals were okay but it was hard seeing my crush. Really hard. I had to stop myself crying. We talked via BBM afterwards and I had to ask where I stood. I was stupid to believe that I could actually be good enough for him. There are no more words I can really say on this matter without (a) revealing too much and (b) crying. I went to bed crying hysterically and downed a bottle of wine.

This morning, I got up with the dog and then went back to bed for a little while. I got up and got dressed but haven’t bothered doing my hair and make up all day. Nan and Ken came round and we had lunch before they left again. I spent an hour sunbathing in the garden with the dog and now I’m just relaxing.

I’m trying to stay positive but it’s hard to be positive when you feel like you’ll never be good enough for anyone. 

Today has been an alright day. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel after all? And maybe it’s a good job that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train?

My puppy woke me up which actually turned out to be a God send because my BlackBerry didn’t automatically change the clock forward an hour like I assumed it would, meaning that if I’d got up when my alarm had gone off, I’d have been very late! I got ready and went to rehearsals.

We had a four and three quarter hour rehearsal which was actually really good even though it over ran by fifteen minutes. We got a lot done but also had lots of nice breaks which were spent out in the sun lying on the grass or sitting on the wall, listening to someone play guitar. Very relaxing.

After rehearsals, I came home and had dinner. I also played with the dog and then we took him to see Grandad and Marie for the first time. They didn’t seem too keen but he was really well behaved.

I taught Cookie to sit, lie down and roll over today which was fun. I’m so proud of him for picking it up so fast! My boy is nine weeks old today and I love him so much even though he can be a little shit at times.

After incidents from last night (if you don’t know, there’s a reason that you don’t know so don’t ask), I feel a lot calmer and collected today. I wouldn’t say I feel even mildly happy but I don’t feel quite so emotional, suicidal or like digging my own grave and getting in it which I suppose is an improvement. I think the sun helps.

I really need to learn my script for tomorrow but I have no motivation to do so. I know the first 150+ words but I struggle to learn scripts on my own and there is nobody around to help me do it.

Can’t stop eating today for some reason. I’m not sure why. Very unlike me! But I’m enjoying it and I’m not even eating just for the sake of it - I’m eating because I’m hungry. Nobody is going to see my body underneath my clothes anyway so it’s not like it really matters at the moment.

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is a lovely day. I won’t follow this with a negative comment. I will take a deep breath and try to stay calm. 

I just realised something…

I was unhappy for a long time and I met somebody who really did change that for me. Then when he slept with someone else behind my back, I was left with nothing and I started falling in a downward spiral.

Then another glimmer of hope came my way and I took a few steps up the ladder of joy but then that got taken away from me too and I fell off the ladder completely.

After a short while, I decided life was too short so I made a conscious effort to get back on the ladder and start climbing upwards. I was so close to the top that I could see the world for it’s beauty.

Then I lost my job and since then, the rest of my life has turned into shit too. I’ve fallen off the ladder into a massive dark hole. The ladders have collapsed and fallen on top of me. I’m just crushed at the bottom of this dark, never ending hole with no way to get out.

I really don’t know what’s going on in my life any more, skjdfhhsjfd.

I had such a nice sleep even though I woke up a few times and I had a beautiful dream which got ruined by somebody in it. I had a dream that I became a leading lady in a West End show in 2017 and all of my old schools, colleges and musical theatre groups paid for me to go back and do workshops with the kids, and everyone wanted my autograph and photos with me. It was amazing. I wish it was a vision rather than a dream… I just wish that one person wasn’t part of it.

I got up today and got ready. I also tidied my room. The sun was lovely! I went driving with Dad so we went and bought some flowers from Tesco and then went to my Nan’s grave to give it a clean and say hello to her.

We then came home and I did some gardening and painted the garden fence. It was tiring but at least I did something relatively productive with my day.

We had a curry for tea - so much for my diet - and then I did a bit of singing. Now I’m just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I have so much on my mind, mostly him. My head and my life is fucked and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I need something new and exciting in my life. Something to make every day a bit more exciting and a reason to get up in the morning because right now, I haven’t got one and every day, it becomes harder to drag myself out of bed and face this world and all the day to day shit it brings.

Despite being in bed by ten to eleven last night (which is ridiculously early for me) and sleeping all the way through which I haven’t done since I was about 12 or 13, I still overslept this morning.

I woke up an hour late and then took another twenty minutes to get out of bed. This meant I got out of bed later than I should have been leaving my house for college. I took my time getting ready and finally made it into college an hour late.

I was dreading going. I was actually crying, shaking and even threw up because of the fear of going. I hate college so much that it’s making me ill. I was reading one of my old blogs on here the other day about my first day of college - I was so excited and I thought it was going to be a new, better start for me. It’s ended up being the complete opposite. I hate it more than words can explain.

Anyway, I dragged myself to college to find that literally nobody was in and within twenty five minutes of me being there, we got sent on a three and a half hour break!! We all went back to one of the girls houses in her car and I played with her kittens for a while. Then I walked into town and went home.

I was hoping my crush would meet me in town on his lunch break but it turns out that he was meeting his girlfriend instead. I don’t know why I keep holding on. It’s killing me. I rarely develop feelings but when I do, it’s always horrendous.

I went home, began doing an evaluation for college, briefly read over my lines and then spent the rest of the afternoon doing basically nothing. I taught my puppy to walk with his lead on for the first time but he’s also bit me very hard both on my hand and my neck - I bled so much from my neck that it scared me.

My best friend and her Mom came round later on to book a holiday for our 20th but we ended up not booking one, so it was basically a pointless waste of time.

Someone confessed their feelings for me tonight and I’m feeling pretty guilty about it. We’re really good friends and it’s not going to ruin anything by him telling me but it was actually such a shock. I guess it’s nice to know that somebody wants you though.

I’ve spent the rest of the evening literally doing nothing. Friday nights in my house on my own in my pyjamas crying seem to have become a regular occurance. All I really needed tonight was to spend time with a friend just talking and/or watching films. I just needed some comfort, but everybody was too busy to care. Same old story.